JUST A BIG OL' SOFTIE
by kyabetsu
Summary: Raphael's got the lair to himself, and after a full 3 days of doing whatever he wants, he's EXHAUSTED. What does it take to get a little SLEEP?


Hey y'all. If you know me, I'm back. If you don't? I'm Kyabetsu. I was a member here over 2 years ago...back when they allowed NC-17 stuff on this site. Zounds, eh? Yes. So for any updates on what the heck i'm doin' now that i'm back, check out the author bio. In the meantime... In between time... Ain't we got fun:

I don't own'em. I wish i did. I ain't got no money. Don't bother to sue.

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**JUST A BIG OL' SOFTIE**

"WAAAARRRROOarrrrrrr!"

Raphael lay in his hammock staring at his ceiling. In the silences between Klunk's howling, the sound of Raphael grinding his teeth filled his subway car room.

"WAAAAROOaahhhrrrrraaahhh!"

'I'm gonna kill'im. I'm gonna kill'im an' I'm gonna kill his damn cat.'

"WAAAAAARRRRROOOOAAAAAAaaaaRRRRrrr!"

"That's it! I've _had it!_ NO MORE!!" Raph sprung out of his hammock, knocking over his alarm clock. From where it rested upside down on the floor, the time read '4:38 am.' Raphael stalked to his bedroom door and threw it open. He bellowed into the darkness of the lair, "KLUNK SHUT THE HELL UP OR SO HELP ME, I'LL STUFF YOU SO FAR UP MIKEY'S SHELL HE'LL NEED PLIERS TA GETCHA OUT!!!!!"

Silence reigned again in the lair. Satisfied, Raph turned to shut his door and head back to bed. He had another 5 hours or so of freedom before the others returned from their 3 day 'vacation' at the farm. They asked two things of him: to watch the cat and to not burn down the lair. He obliged them by never being home. He could not make a mess at home if he was out all night every night they were gone. Though now, his night-shifted body wanted all the sleep he had missed with interest. He planned to sleep in this morning, and a caterwauling Klunk had no part in those plans. He sighed, relaxing as he slid his weary body back into his hammock.

"WAAAAAAAAARRRREEEeeeooooooRRRRRrrrrr!!"

Raph's left eye twitched. He rolled right back out of bed, stomping mad as he ripped open his door and beat a path to Mikey's subway car. He threw open Mike's door and expected the cat to come streaking out. No Klunk. Raph muttered, "Well, where the hell are ya, Fur-fer-brains?" He checked around the room… clean water, plenty of food, and the litter box passed muster in Raph's opinion. "You stuck somewhere or somethin'? I know I shutcha in here, just a few hours ago."

Klunk's gray head popped out from beneath Mike's desk, followed by Klunk's body. He wandered around Raphael's legs once then sat down and refused to make eye contact. "Yer not stuck. Ya got WATER. Ya got FOOD. Ya got a SHITTER!" Raph gestured at the litter box, then pulled up short. "And I'm talkin' ta a cat. Great." Klunk pulled up one of his legs and began cleaning his butt. "Yeah, well. Same ta you, pal." Raph turned the light off and shut the door behind him, satisfied that there was nothing wrong with Mike's cat.

He made it all of 3 yards from Mike's subway car when Klunk started up again.

"WAAAAAaaarrrrrrooooooraaahhh!"

Raphael froze mid-step, pivoted and marched right back to Mike's room. Throwing the door open, he hit the light switch hard enough to rattle the action figures on Mike's shelves. "WHAT?!? DO!?!? YOU!?!? WANT!??!"

Klunk stared at him.

"CAT! It's almost 5 in the MORNING. I am TIRED. SHUT. UP." Raphael completely missed the fact that cats are immune to logic.

Klunk stared at him.

"What if I leave the door OPEN, huh? Will you shut up THEN?" Raphael paused as if waiting for a reply.

Klunk stared at him.

"GNAH!" Raph spun on his heel, and seethed as his tramped away, leaving the door to Mike's car wide open. Klunk could run throughout the entire lair. Thinking he fixed the problem, Raphael headed right back to his room and his hammock. He shut the door behind himself and sighed in the quiet darkness.

"Ssscufffle Ssscufffle Sssscufffle." Raph squeezed his eyes shut. He had no clue what the cat was doing, but he could ignore this. Klunk wasn't howling. He could deal. "Sssscufffle Ssscufffle Sssscufffle." Raph pulled his blankets up higher to cover his head. He was determined to ignore the animal. "Ssscuffle Ssscuffle SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEiiii!! SCREEEEEEiii!!" Raphael sat bolt upright and nearly toppled out of his hammock.

"What the HELL?!?!" He opened his door. Klunk sat just to the left of it, claws against the metal of the subway car. Raph's left eye twitched. "I left you the whole damn lair… an' you want in HERE?" Raph was exhausted, but if it kept the cat quiet, he was game. "Fine, I'll leave my door open… but if Mike didn't love you, cat, I'd've tied you in a knot, setcha on fire and drop-kicked ya to Miami by now." This news failed to impress Klunk. Raph rubbed at his face, and headed back into the room, leaving his door open behind him.

Raph's body ached for sleep, and as he rolled himself in his blankets, he swore he'd never let Mike talk him into 'cat-sitting' again. He drifted off into peaceful slumber, certain that the cat finally intended to let him sleep.

"KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch." Raphael frowned in his sleep, and let his dreams pull him back under. "KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch." Raphael shifted but remained oblivious. "KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch." He rolled a little; something was vibrating against his shell. "KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch." He woke with a snort, not sure what had brought him to wakefulness. "KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrippp!!" The whole bottom fell out of his hammock.

"WHOA! SHI--!!" His subway car rocked as he hit his floor. He waited, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. He could dimly see that he was now looking up at his ceiling through a hole in his hammock. His feet were still tangled and resting on the bed itself, but his back and head lay below on the floor. There was no sign of Klunk.

As he lay there on the floor with his feet tangled above him, it occurred to him how quiet it was. He could relax here. He couldn't fall out of bed a second time. He was just so tired. He shut his eyes.

"KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch. KKKKkkrrrrch." His eyes flew open. He head swiveled to the right. He stared daggers at Klunk who was busy sharpening his claws on the back of Raphael's trench coat.

"**KLUNK!!!" **Raphael scrambled to his feet, untangling them and getting them under him. Klunk took off immediately, and had a healthy head start on Raph. The ninja tore out of his room, snagging a sai as he went. "**GETCHER ASS BACK HERE, YOU FURRY SACKA SHIT!!**"

Klunk cornered tightly and vaulted from the end table to a bookshelf and then the roof of Mike's subway car. Raph sped after him, pulling a tight 180 and leaping right from the end table to the roof of Mike's subway car. The magazines and remotes on the end table went flying and the car's roof dented under Raph's sudden weight, but held. Klunk scurried for the air vent on the top of the car, snaking his way into and down. Raphael raced forward and tucked his sai beneath the lip of the vent and pried, ripping the thin metal with the iron of his sai. He dimly saw the cat drop onto the shelves below, knocking over Mikey's action figures. Raph jumped from the roof to the ground, but was just a tad too slow to shut Klunk into the room.

They sprinted through the lair, into the dojo and around it a few laps, Klunk's claws mauling the tatami mats. Klunk broke to the left and Raphael gave chase through Donatello's workspace, scattering the tiny chips and components from Don's workbench as they went. Klunk used the coat rack as climbing pole to vault to the ledge where Leonardo kept the majority of his library. The coat rack toppled and Raph hurdled it, slamming into the cd rack where Mike kept his playstation games. The cat spooked with the loud noise as the cds rained down, and sent the books into a domino effect, the last few dictionaries toppling off the shelf to smash down on one of the tiny porcelain Buddhas that Splinter owned.

Klunk made a mad dash for Mikey's car, and Raphael slammed the door behind him, too tired to head in after him and give him the skinning he deserved. Raph closed his eyes and leaned against the cool metal of Mikey's subway car. He won. He got the cat-from-hell contained. He opened his eyes to head back to his room for some blankets. He could sleep on the couch. Half way to his room, the appearance of the lair truly hit him.

Broken bits, jumbled books, shattered cds, miscellaneous components, magazines, couch cushions, chunks of tatami mat and much abused furniture lay all over the lair. His family would kill him if they came back to this. He rolled his eyes upward--somebody up there hated him. He checked the clock. He had 3 hours.

_Three hours later:_

An exhausted Raphael pulled his blanket over himself as he lay down on the sofa. If he were lucky, his family would be late. Maybe April would get stuck in traffic. Consoling himself with those thoughts, he drifted off.

_Ten Minutes later:_

"AWWWW!!! Lookit that! AW! They look so CUTE together!" Raph opened a bleary eye at the sound of Michaelangelo's voice.

"Shut. Up. Mike." Raph closed his eyes again.

"Well, that's something you don't see everyday." Leo. Great. Now there were two of them. Raph scowled.

"Shut. The. Hell. Up. Leo." Raph tried to roll into the couch cushions but something was sitting on him. It was warm. It was vibrating. He opened both eyes and looked down.

Klunk stared at him. "Purr Purr Purr."

Mike was all smiles, "How CUTE!! You two BONDED while we were gone, didn't you? Didn't you? That's my boy. Good Klunk!"

Don smiled over Mike's shoulder. "Yeah, just like I thought. You talk big, but deep down, you love that cat."

Raphael's left eye twitched.

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**And they all lived neurotically ever after. The End.**

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y'all know how this goes... if you like it? please tell me so. If you don't, please tell me why. And if you're into more horrific things, check out the fanfic i'm collaborating on with Meira-Bates. "Dead Voltage" under the penname "PeasNCarrots." but yes. hey guys! great to be back.

--Kya and her own "Klunk"... who just got stuck in a Christmas gift bag.... stupid cat....


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